Happy Happy Day

So much has happened in the last couple of months since March. Not really. I have learned that you don't need a man to be happy. I have quit trying to look for happiness in the hands of men and honestly I think this has been the best thing to happen to me. I have been on a couple dates and yes some of them have spoken to me since and some don't text me the next day but I have stopped expecting every date I go on to be "the one". Unfortunately, it took me this long to realize there is no such thing as "the one" because its just cliche'. You need to find someone compatible to you. They won't be perfect but who likes perfect? Makes for a hopeless relationship that will never uplift you. So in the last 24 almost 25 years, I am glad I have come to this solution. So cheers to a happy future that I am in control over.

Who Knew One Kiss Could Make Your World Crash Down?

I think I screwed up. Figured I would go out and take a chance on someone and then I got bombed. Not only has he not messaged me back or texted me but he hasn't even logged in to WoW. Maybe he is asleep but Jesus he fell asleep at like 1130 last night so he is going to sleep till 3? Is he really that tired? Is he busy or really ignoring me? I figured after such a great weekend (that was absent from sex, yes) that he would be more than willing to continue it. I don't know. He was the one more after a relationship with me for the past 2 years than I was and when I finally give in and go see him he leaves me hanging. Maybe I am just over-obsessing but I can't help what I feel. And usually my gut feeling is right. So not only did I ruin a potential relationship, I ruined a wonderful friendship. I should have just left it alone. Who knew one kiss could make your whole world crash down.

Bad things happen to good hearts

Well Eric and I did get back together for a short period of time. The happiest 4 months of my life. I don't know what happened but it just abruptly ended. I think it hurt worse this time than last. Maybe because I actually thought it was gonna work but I just set myself up for disappointment. I tried to talk to him but he just ignores me. Why would he just pick me up just to drop me. I was seriously happy he screwed me up again.
I can't say I am over it. I don't want to be over it. I want to hang on to him so bad and I don't know if it is because I am the one who doesn't want to be alone or if it is because I just loved him that much I can't imagine living life without him. I mean sure, since I am doing the LPN in August of next year it gives me time to frikin study and saves me money from going up there every other weekend but I would rather be broke and happy then be rich and miserable.
I miss his hands I use to make fun of, I miss the gaps between his teeth, I miss his obsessive rambling of smart nonsense that only made sense to him, and I miss laying next to him while he held me. I just hate knowing I am going to go without that for the rest of my life. And this time it really is over.

I give up.....

So I was supposed to go out with this guy named Cody today and if it wasn't me putting it off then it was him. I don't think I am ready to date again because if I was I would have gone out by now. I feel like I am cheating just thinking about moving on. I hate that I feel this way because I know its over with Eric but somehow it just doesn't feel like it should be over yet. Like we were supposed to stay together for the rest of our lives and fight like enemies but love like lovers. I don't know how to move on and it feels like I am spiraling down into the depths of depression with no one to pull me out. If he was here he could pull me out but he's not, never will be and never was. It was an illusion in my head that he actually loved and cared about me but he just didn't want to be alone. So I was the only thing that stopped him from being alone until he found new people and friends to replace me. I say I am done crying over it but I'm not. I don't cry as often but when I do it hurts. Bad.

The GOOD, THE BAD, and the Lonely =/

Eric and I officially broke up in December of 2012. Going back and forth just like a basketball in a game. Hurt, pain, love, tears, and more just is too much to handle when the other person isnt willing to fully commit. I want to kick my self sometimes for calling off a couple weeks ago for good and I know it was the best thing to do. I really loved him but maybe this heartbreak will go away. I seem to have latched on to a man that reminds me of him so much. I met him in game and even though I strictly refuse to even care for people in game that live hundreds to million miles away from me, this guy just intrigues me. I heard his voice and something just clicked. We have been talking ever since and he is planning on moving to Holly Hill, Florida next month which is only two hours from me. Should I pursue this? Or should I take time to find myself? What if he IS the one? What if he is that person that I have been waiting for my entire life that I have yet to find? Call it a rebound but I dont feel as if he is one. His heart is so pure and his self confidence non-existant. He likes me Im sure but he isnt willing to say for the same reasons why Im not willing to confess as well. So what do I do? I always seem to have the answers but this time I honestly dont. I will leave on this note though. I do plan on meeting him and if it kicks off the way im thinking it will, then this choice might be made for me. We will see....

Watching Movie = Lesson Learned

So I just got done watching Why Did I Get Married Too? By Tyler Perry. And boy was it heart wrenching. I love how Tyler Perry puts messages in his movies to make us think about how we live our lives and how to make them better. I was so deeply hurt when Gavin died and everything they had been through it just didn't seem fair that Pat be left in the world alone. She was so crazy about the money but really I don't even think it was about him taking the money that she was pissed about. I think it was more that she was upset he was leaving at all. She didn't show him she loved him like she should have and he never talked about it or asked about it like he should have. You should never let pride stand between you and your spouse. Marriage is a thing of rarity and everyone who takes those wedding vows should get to know the person their dating and communicate. They say never go to bed mad. Well, I say go to bed mad. But make sure when you wake up in the morning that you realize what you fell in love with that person for because everyone is going to fight but not everyone knows how to handle it. Divorce is the wussy way out, plain and simple. Be strong and be dedicated and love like you have no tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. Love, Peace, and Eternity! Cause Love makes the world go round, peace makes you happy, and Eternity is what you have left once you die so make sure your good when you leave.

Things suck.....

I have a boyfriend now.... yeah not supposed to be lonely right? ha wrong.... :( I love him and he is so amazing to me. But the things we argue about are so stupid! His mother doesn't even want to meet me only because I have a child. She needs to get over it and you know what he needs to stop being a chicken and stand up to her. So because he's such a chicken liver he can't take me around his family members. I say can't lightly. I mean he WONT! I wish he would grow up and grow a pair cause I'm tired of dating people who won't stand up for some one they supposedly "love". So yeah we got into that big argument tonight and I swear to God I'm waiting to see if he texts me or not and I'm not going to be the one who texts first no matter what! I'm done worrying about it and I'm tired of worrying about it.

Another thing that got my goat today that I wish I could really let out this load of hatred on is my best friends step-daughter. Yeah, she had the nerve to tell Sylvia she doesn't want Sylvia to let me babysit Sylvia's 4-month old son Cam anymore because apparently this 14 year old child thinks I would kill him with neglect. I love Cam like my own son. Kyler is a year and a half and alive and healthy. He is happy and I have done a better job than she could ever do. She thinks she can tell me how to be a parent well I'm contemplating showing her the force a muscle can have when thrown at another person in a smacking rotation. She doesn't know anything about kids and not to mention the last time she "watched" him he was sleeping in the backroom while she was listening to her Ipod with her headphones in her ears with the music so loud you would never know if he was choking to death. I have never and will never do that with Sylvia's child, my child, my future children, or any other person's child as a matter off fact. So yeah. A bad day today and Im tired of people. Idiotic people, at that. My boyfriend needs to learn how to grow a pair and my best friend's 14 year old daughter needs to learn her place and shut the hell up!

Another Day

Well, I thought I would be getting a promotion at work and thought I had the job nailed but unfortunately I found out today that it was given to someone else. Yes, I'm young but I'm just as capable as anyone else is for this promotion. I think I would have done a great job but i guess my boss didnt think so.

I am waiting for Justin to call me. It will be the first time we speak person to person beside over facebook. I started talking to him on Aug 25th and we havent gone more than a day without emailing. I hope this works out because he is such a sweet guy.

I met him through Pof.com and we talked to eachother through that until we found eachother on facebook. But I do know that after we started talking on facebook he deleted his pof account so maybe he thinks Im worth it. I know so far I like him but we will have to see when we go on our first date. He lives up near my sister in Nashville, Ga and he works at Harveys. He is going to school for a degree in AgriScience and he is really smart. He is also very handsome and a baptist which is a big plus! I just hope he doesn't turn into another dud.

Me and Kyler have all day together tomorrow and I can't wait! He hasn't been feeling good so I have been losing my patience with him. I need more patience but sometimes its hard being the fact he is hitting his terrible twos way too early. He thinks he is Mr. Allthat. lol

I cant stand it when people dont take their job seriously. My God you have peoples lives in your hand!!!! So why in the heck are in the field if you could care less about the people your supposed to be taking care of!??! Get off your fat butt and go check on the man if he says he is getting shocked to death my his pacemaker!! Obviously, he is telling the truth! I dont know of any man that is honestly willing to go to the hospital. I think you should have your license taken away woman. Because after tonight I swear I WILL become a nurse so that way I know that there is one person out there that cares about what they do!

You know what I realized today. Im saying you as if you exist. There is no you because Im talking to myself. I dont have any followers and I doubt anyone will be looking at my blog because hey, no one knows me on here and I don't know anybody. I am a very lonely soul. I have realized that as well. I talk to myself as if Im some skitzo. I play out a scene of what might happen if I get into a situation and then I act as if I am me and the other person. Im stupid and half the time I dont realize what Im doing until I hear myself. I dont know I think I might be crazy. Technically I am talking to myself now because no one reads this darn thing. Ugh, if this is the biggest crisis I have this week then Im doing good. I think.

Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to work I go!

Something tells me today is not going to be as smooth as it has been for me at work. I feel like just something is going to go wrong but I just don't know what it is yet. Maybe this feeling will go away and I will see that today is going to be a good day,,,, I hope. I don't need any drama currently and I don't need any trouble that will indefinably get me fired after being humiliated in front of my boss Connie. Hopefully Im just wrong. I kinda hope I am.

Old Flames

Dustyn is like a bad dream that keeps coming back to haunt you when your enjoying yourself. But the fault is mine. I call him. He doesn't call me. I want to talk to him whether he wants to talk to me or not I have no idea and he doesn't tell me either. All I know is its been 4 years since I met him and ever since then no matter how much we deny it, we are tied together. Welded together like iron and copper even though we don't match or don't get along. I see no possible way of us being together again but yet I can't seem to find anyone else that I love the way I loved him. We broke up in September of 2009 and I remember like it was yesterday. I was working at Little Caesars and I was glad to not have to work with him like I did. It gave us a break from each other because not only did we work together, but we lived and went to school together, too. But I loved him. Oh how I loved him.

He broke up with me on the eve of my birthday. He took me out and we watched Death Race. He took me to eat and then when we got back to his house, in my car, he offered me the bad news. Just like getting served court papers by a police officer, even though no one else was there but me and him I felt overwhelmed with anxiety, pain, embarrassment, but most of all disappointment. I had left his house and cried the whole way home. (If he did love me at one time he didn't show it that night and has yet to this day even though we are on good terms.) I puked everyday, for almost 7 months at the same time everyday, 3:30pm. Because I knew that's when he would be picking up his new girlfriend, Ashley, and I would be the farthest from his mind and heart. I lost weight at first but then gained it by hoarding myself with food and kept eating till my weight reached the ultimate 183 lbs.

Its been a whole two years since that day and I don't cry over him. When he talks about other women my heart doesn't sink and when he talks as if we were never anything special it doesn't burn a hole in my tongue. I simply let it go because I have let him go. At least I think I have. I really honestly don't know if I have. I try to hang on to the good memories of us. The ones where I see him holding me while he played on the computer or me falling asleep on his lap as he played his Xbox 360. I think about all of that and yes, it makes me sad. Only because I know that those times where I was completely happy and for a second it was just me and him in the world, are gone. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone that I will love like I did him. I wonder if that day will come soon. I am 22 and only getting older as so is my one year old son. I can raise him by myself but I want to give him a home with a father and a mother. But there are so many things I want in this world that I can't have, which includes anything to do with my love life. I just wonder if one day I will let that feeling go that I remember about love and let someone love me their own way. But only time will tell. Time does not heal; its more like a scar. You know you got hurt but the spot where the hole is might be healed over but its always going to be there and its always going to bother you. It gets better with time, but no, time does not heal.