Old Flames

Dustyn is like a bad dream that keeps coming back to haunt you when your enjoying yourself. But the fault is mine. I call him. He doesn't call me. I want to talk to him whether he wants to talk to me or not I have no idea and he doesn't tell me either. All I know is its been 4 years since I met him and ever since then no matter how much we deny it, we are tied together. Welded together like iron and copper even though we don't match or don't get along. I see no possible way of us being together again but yet I can't seem to find anyone else that I love the way I loved him. We broke up in September of 2009 and I remember like it was yesterday. I was working at Little Caesars and I was glad to not have to work with him like I did. It gave us a break from each other because not only did we work together, but we lived and went to school together, too. But I loved him. Oh how I loved him.

He broke up with me on the eve of my birthday. He took me out and we watched Death Race. He took me to eat and then when we got back to his house, in my car, he offered me the bad news. Just like getting served court papers by a police officer, even though no one else was there but me and him I felt overwhelmed with anxiety, pain, embarrassment, but most of all disappointment. I had left his house and cried the whole way home. (If he did love me at one time he didn't show it that night and has yet to this day even though we are on good terms.) I puked everyday, for almost 7 months at the same time everyday, 3:30pm. Because I knew that's when he would be picking up his new girlfriend, Ashley, and I would be the farthest from his mind and heart. I lost weight at first but then gained it by hoarding myself with food and kept eating till my weight reached the ultimate 183 lbs.

Its been a whole two years since that day and I don't cry over him. When he talks about other women my heart doesn't sink and when he talks as if we were never anything special it doesn't burn a hole in my tongue. I simply let it go because I have let him go. At least I think I have. I really honestly don't know if I have. I try to hang on to the good memories of us. The ones where I see him holding me while he played on the computer or me falling asleep on his lap as he played his Xbox 360. I think about all of that and yes, it makes me sad. Only because I know that those times where I was completely happy and for a second it was just me and him in the world, are gone. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone that I will love like I did him. I wonder if that day will come soon. I am 22 and only getting older as so is my one year old son. I can raise him by myself but I want to give him a home with a father and a mother. But there are so many things I want in this world that I can't have, which includes anything to do with my love life. I just wonder if one day I will let that feeling go that I remember about love and let someone love me their own way. But only time will tell. Time does not heal; its more like a scar. You know you got hurt but the spot where the hole is might be healed over but its always going to be there and its always going to bother you. It gets better with time, but no, time does not heal.